The Drop Shot Report · Coach and parent
To Push or Not To Push: A Coach and Parent’s Perspective
It’s the question that echoes in almost every committed sporting household: Am I pushing too hard?
Your son or daughter is committed, training, and competing, seemingly doing everything right. Yet, the warnings from educators, friends, and even family are constant: “They’ll burn out.” “You can’t push so hard.” “They’ll stop playing if this carries on.”
Every parent asks themselves if they are crossing the line from supportive to detrimental. Here are my thoughts—as both a coach who has seen countless athletes come and go, and as a parent navigating this delicate balance.
Breaking Down “Burnout”
To address the fear of burnout, we must first understand its two main components: Physical and Emotional.
1. Physical Burnout
Physical burnout in young athletes usually occurs when a child has over-exerted themselves week in and week out. Their body hasn’t had the proper conditioning or recovery time to handle the constant exercise and competition load.
The body, quite simply, says, “No more.” While the young body is resilient and can often recover physically, this relentless drain frequently leads to the more insidious problem: emotional burnout. The child becomes mentally fatigued, and what was once fun is now a chore. They might just declare, “Enough is enough,” and find solace in an activity with less demand. This phenomenon is often seen in the young adult phase, typically between the ages of 18 and 23.
2. Emotional Burnout
This is the truly destructive kind. Emotional burnout happens when a child competes constantly while simultaneously dealing with constant external pressures from coaches or parents. The pressure cooker mentality often sounds like this: “You must win.” “Work harder and you will win.” In these environments, a loss is not a learning experience; it is seen as a failure. And after a loss, there is a definite, often palpable, shift in the attitude of parents and coaches—disappointment replaces encouragement.
A few years ago, I received a phone call from a parent who wanted to buy his child a new racket. He phoned me before the start of a tournament. I went out and got the new equipment. The child played the tournament, and after losing a crucial match, I met up with the family the following day with the new racket. The child’s eyes lit up—a classic, pure sign of a young athlete’s love for their gear. But the father immediately stepped in and said the new racket was “not necessary” and that the child “needs to play better.” He had changed his mind after the loss.
That is a horror story. That is when the emotional shutdown begins. When a child’s intrinsic desire is immediately overshadowed by a parental demand for perfection, they are lost to the sport for a very long time, if not permanently.
The Real Controversy: The Reaction to Failure
The true controversy isn’t about pushy parents or coaches who demand effort and discipline in training. Pushing hard in practice is necessary for growth. The problem lies with the pushy parent’s reaction to failure or the pushy parent’s “winning is the only thing that matters” attitude.
That is what causes burnout.
A child can handle a demanding training schedule. They can endure tough losses. What they cannot handle is the constant, crushing realisation that their self-worth, or the approval of their primary role models, is tied only to the final score.
The Number One Medicine Against Burnout
If pressure and pushing are inevitable parts of high-level sport, how do we inoculate our children against the emotional crash? The number one medicine against burnout is the ability to build up love for the sport in your child. Your primary goal as a parent, before championship trophies and university recruitment, must be to build the love to exercise and the love for the sport itself in your child. As coaches, we know when we are safe to push an athlete to their limit. It’s when that child, after a hard loss or a tough session, still asks a friend, their dad, or their coach, “Can we go and play?”
When they are driven by that internal fire—that simple, joyful desire to play the game—we know that burnout won’t happen, no matter how hard we push them. The effort becomes their own choice, and that makes all the difference.
What are your thoughts? Have you seen the difference between healthy pushing and destructive pressure in your child’s sporting career?